I hate being alone

I do okay most of the time.... but when I'm alone it's like the whole world comes crashing down on me.  I wish I had my baby.  I wish I knew what he felt like, what he sounded like.  He would be four months old this coming week.  He would be starting cereal and juice.  He would  be babbling and full of smiles.  Rolling over would be his fave thing to do.... and play with mommy. 

I see my attorney next week.  I just wish he could give me my baby back.  I want my baby.

Dreams

Seems like my dreams recover the slowest.  Guess that's because I can't control them.  I can force myself to think of something else, but I can't change my dreams.  That leaves me thinking of him more the following day.  I wonder if I will ever be able to get all of those what-ifs out of my system.  I wonder what would have happened if I would have been more demanding about getting another ultrasound, or what if I would have changed doctors when we thought about it but decided it was too late in the pregnancy.  What if I would have gone to St Lukes after I left Memorial that night?  What if I would have refused that shot?   So many things could have been done differently.  My life would be so much different now.  I sure do wish I had the opportunity to really get to know my son.