Will this ever get easier?

Each day I think of Tyler.  I remember his sweet face and think of how I love him.  I wonder what he would be doing if he were here with us.  He'd be 6 months old tomorrow, my sweet baby boy.  I start my day, usually reliving the days before he died.  It's like my mind think if it tries hard enough, maybe the outcome will not be the same one day.  Throughout the day, images of him comes to mind as I wonder what he'd look like now.  Come night time though, I relive the moments when I actually held my baby boy and wonder why God took him away from me and why I have to bear this pain.  I'll go see my boy tomorrow in his resting place among all the other young ones who have momma's with empty arms.  Even my youngest thinks of his brother as he told me this week that he loves his baby Tyler.  It just seems so unfair that my poor kids have to try to understand something that doesn't even make sense to me.

FIGHT

You never know when you have the words that are going to make the difference in someones lives... there has been three key things said to me over the past week.... 1. Can't stay in survival mode forever.  2. You fight for everything in your life, don't stop now.  3. FIGHT! 

That's right.  It's time for me to start getting on with living.  Nothing comes easy with these kiddos of mine.  I fight to get all of them the best they deserve.  I've had a major accomplishment with my fight for Brittany this week, FINALLY getting her an appointment with Texas Children's Hospital.  I have been fighting and fighting for it.

I fight for Michael, Brittany, and Clayton all the time.  Some, I win. Some, I lose - or at least don't get what I wanted.  I only have one chance to fight for Tyler.  I will fight I will put everything I have into this.  I don't want another mother to have go through what I've been through.  I don't want his life not to be counted.  He was my son.  He looked just like his father.  He was very active.  He was and still is loved. 

To those who give me courage and support... Thank You!

Not a Person???? What's the meaning of this?

Just so that everyone knows...

Tyler died a few hours before he was born.  He was "stillborn."  He never got to breathe air or let out a cry.  Therefore, the law considers that he was not a person. 

God said that even when we were in our mother's womb he knew us.  I know that my baby is in Heaven.  He will never have to experience the troubles of this world.  I wish that made me feel better.

Why?  I hate that question.  It plagues my mind.  I can't make sense of all this. 

Sometimes, it seems as if his little life had no purpose.  I can't really deal with that.  I know there has to be some reason for all of this, but I can't figure that out.  God is a loving God.  He wouldn't just take my baby from me for the fun of it.

But then, he didn't take my baby from me.... he allowed Satan to... I wish that made me feel better.

I hate being alone

I do okay most of the time.... but when I'm alone it's like the whole world comes crashing down on me.  I wish I had my baby.  I wish I knew what he felt like, what he sounded like.  He would be four months old this coming week.  He would be starting cereal and juice.  He would  be babbling and full of smiles.  Rolling over would be his fave thing to do.... and play with mommy. 

I see my attorney next week.  I just wish he could give me my baby back.  I want my baby.

Dreams

Seems like my dreams recover the slowest.  Guess that's because I can't control them.  I can force myself to think of something else, but I can't change my dreams.  That leaves me thinking of him more the following day.  I wonder if I will ever be able to get all of those what-ifs out of my system.  I wonder what would have happened if I would have been more demanding about getting another ultrasound, or what if I would have changed doctors when we thought about it but decided it was too late in the pregnancy.  What if I would have gone to St Lukes after I left Memorial that night?  What if I would have refused that shot?   So many things could have been done differently.  My life would be so much different now.  I sure do wish I had the opportunity to really get to know my son.