Dreams

Seems like my dreams recover the slowest.  Guess that's because I can't control them.  I can force myself to think of something else, but I can't change my dreams.  That leaves me thinking of him more the following day.  I wonder if I will ever be able to get all of those what-ifs out of my system.  I wonder what would have happened if I would have been more demanding about getting another ultrasound, or what if I would have changed doctors when we thought about it but decided it was too late in the pregnancy.  What if I would have gone to St Lukes after I left Memorial that night?  What if I would have refused that shot?   So many things could have been done differently.  My life would be so much different now.  I sure do wish I had the opportunity to really get to know my son.