Held

These past few days, I've been thinking of Tyler a lot .  From the party he will get to have for Jesus' birthday to the 1st Christmas items we will not get to enjoy this year.  He was one of the first thoughts I had this morning when I woke up.  So, I took the opportunity to talk to God in that quiet time alone.  I was angry.  Angry with God for letting this happen to me.  So I asked him why he did this to me. 

It wasn't the first time I'd asked that question.  It wasn't the first time he whispered back "I didn't".  BUT it was the first time I'd really heard him say it.  He gave me a gift today.  He revealed more of Himself to me.  It was a very sweet moment. 

He whispered back I didn't.  I kept my promise.  I promised free will.  This was not my plan for you.  As my heart broke and my world turned upside down, his heart broke too.  The image of the footprints in the sand came to mind as he told me that he'd been right there with me, holding me as I learned of this news.  The free will and choice of someone else changed my life forever.  That doctor and that nurse made bad choices that took my baby from me.  As much as that hurts, it helps to know that God loves me enough to cry with me and hold me as I cry.  He loves me enough that his heart is broken too over the loss of my son.  For all the things my son will never get to be, he will always live in my heart.  One day I will meet him in his perfect image.  My son has beaten me to my final destination, but his legacy will continue to work here in this life.